The Pseudo-Date

I want to discuss something.

I was invited today to hang out with this guy I met at one of the ‘rich and famous’ parties. Maybe shoot some pool and drink a few beers, one of my favorites pastimes. I love pool, not that I’m very good at it, I have lucky days, and I love beer. Then I began thinking about where we should meet. I went through the usual list of SoBe bars with pool tables in my mind: Waxy O’Connell, Playwright, Ted’s, Purdy Lounge, Lost Weekend, and Felt. It’s Monday night and there’s got to be some specials out there.

Side Notes:

‘Hang out’ meaning as friends, as if we were the same gender.

‘Meet’ means you are not picking me up like a date, and I can just see you there.

 

Then it dawned on me. You know those ‘let’s just hang out’ and ‘be friends’ scenarios always end in an awkward situation. You See? I know when I meet a guy whether I’m attracted to him or not. Yes, women know if we would consider sleeping with you within the first 4 seconds of meeting. In this guy’s case, I’m not. And in the past, I’d be willing to chill and just be friends. Problem is I’ve got enough of those. And frankly, as experience has showed me, the vast majority of the time the guy wants to ‘get with’ me at the end of the night. I also know this because I know men. I’m a guys’ girl.

It all goes a little something like this. And the ladies should be able to identify. I go on the pseudo date because I want to get out of the house, and maybe this guy’s got something interesting to talk about, hopefully he smokes, and is normal. I hope he’s not a weirdo. We get to the bar, order beers, cheers. Depending on whether the bar is crowed or not we may have to wait for a table. So now we must make small bullshit talk. I know the incoming questions: 1) Where are you from? (Followed by “Brazil! The most beautiful women in the world. I want to go there someday”. At this point I’ve just become 10x more attractive to them, like I’m Gisele or something); 2) How old are you? (31. “You look younger (love this)); 3) Where do you work? (I go through my usual spiel).

At this point I feel obligated to ask the same mundane questions. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. It depends on my mood. To be honest I’d rather discuss more important things like, life goals, traveling adventures, what you have learned so far from life, who you are today, things of this nature.

Anyhow! Pool table opens up. Now we’ve got to figure out if we’re playing doubles or not. This is the choice of the winner. If it’s singles, then I want to go second. I like watching to see if the guy’s got any skills, if he looks like an idiot playing, if he has confidence in his game. If he does, he wins points and maybe we can hang out again. If not, I’m going to school his ass.

In the meantime I look around to see if there are any cute guys in the bar. Usually I only find one, and I’m thankful for the eye candy. Two and I’m in heaven. Now I’m devising a plan in my head as to how I can get to cute guy without offending hangout guy. Oh fuck it, I just flirt. I may ask him if he plays and if he’s any good, followed by flirtatious smile. I see hangout guy watching. No biggie right?! It’s not a date. He didn’t say it was a date, I certainly don’t think of this as a date. Night goes on. Beers go down smoothly, game’s getting blurry, flirting with cute guy continues. After about 4 games I’m done. And I dread this, but say “I’m going to take off after this match”. And this is when the awkward occurs. He begins to beg that you stay, suggests another place, meanwhile you know you’d rather go home, watch your favorite porn and masturbate to the cute guy. I stand firm, “Nah I’m good.” I pay my bill (note: I think it’s important for women not to take advantage of men in this scenario and pay for their own drinks!).

PS: If I want to hang out with cute guy afterwards, I have to be sneaky and get his number, call him after I leave and meet him somewhere else. Most of the time I just take his number and call him another time. I will be fun fantasizing about him tonight.

After the tab is paid, hangout guy usually leaves with and asks again if we could go somewhere else. No we can’t. He offers to walk me home (I prefer to meet at a place close to home in case I need to make a getaway and not have to split a cab, or nurse anyone to sobriety). I’m facing him. I know what he’s thinking. He wants to hook up. I see the eyes and the wheels turning. No way Jose. And, when he doesn’t get the clue, or is unable to think with his big head, he may try to go in for a kiss. (Do you know what’s like to kiss someone you’re not attracted to? Horrible! Horrible I tell you!). Most of the time, he ultimately says, “ok sexy.. We got to do this again”. I’m like, whatever, but I’m thinking ‘we are just friends’ so I say, “Text me whenever. Don’t leave a voicemail. I hate voicemails. I repeat, text only.”

PS: Text is better for the following reasons: It doesn’t take 5 minutes to check the message; if he can get to the point using 2 sentences or less it’s a good sign provided there are no spelling errors. Misspell words, and I will think you are an idiot. And I’m not talking about text lingo, those are excluded from judgment.

In conclusion… A couple of months back I had decided no more pseudo dates for the above mentioned reasons and for the further follow up and annoyance they ensue. I enjoy meeting new people and making new, real friends, pseudo dates don’t constitute friendship. Frankly, they take up a lot of my time if I were to agree to every single one of them. And besides my time is better spent with my friends, with my dog, even by myself, or with guys I actually want to get to know and maybe do a little kissy-kissy

So I’m going to pass. I still have to text back. This is uncomfortable.