Mariposa Traicionera

I woke up this morning, and in the first moment of consciousness began sobbing. It all started coming back to me, last night’s conversation and consequent goodbye. I knew this day would come, but I was certainly not prepared for it. It hit me like a ton of bricks, all at once and with vigor; my Argentine is gone for good.

As I laid on my bed, my head spinning recalling all the memories, and the realization that I’ll never lay my eyes on his beautiful face, never feel the strength of his arms holding me tight, never again experience the joy his laughter brings to my heart, rompe mi corazon. The song Mariposa Tracionera keeps playing in my head, reminding me of the things I’ve done or failed to do, largely contributing to my own heart break. I can only blame myself, either for not communicating my thoughts and feelings well enough, for being selfish and never able to put his needs ahead of my own, for not taking a chance and opening my heart to him. It’s the usual deal, the way I cope to keep at bay heartache and disappointment.

It all started last year, shortly after I moved down here in the Summertime. I was at the park with my dog and he came zipping pass me on his skateboard. Something came over me when I saw him, I felt a jolt and froze. He was on the phone, and smiled as he passed by me, turned for a second look, and keep going. I stared as he passed, watching where he was going, he crossed Meridian, passed my building, and I lost sight of him. I thought to myself “Go after him! Don’t let him go.” Too late, he was already gone. Being the hopeless romantic I am I thought, “If it’s meant to be our paths will cross again”. I proceeded to head home and just as I’m about to go into my building I see him outside of the building next door chatting with some guys. I thought to myself “I cannot let this opportunity go, this is a sign”, so I passed my building and started walking East on 13th, and as I passed the group, he smiled and said Hello. I immediately stopped smiled, said Hi and started conversation. He was wearing the Argentina football jersey so I asked if he was going to watch the match that day versus Brazil. We agreed to meet at the Playwright in a couple of hours, I turned around and went home. It was so obvious that I had passed by only to speak to him since home was the other way but I didn’t care. All I knew was that I had some sort of pseudo date and that I was very excited. I put on my Brazil jersey, and went to meet him at the bar. It was packed, he saw me and called me over to his table filled with his friends who were all sizing me up, clearly letting me know that he had already talked about me to his buddies. We were instantly enamored with one another, he held me in front of him so I wouldn’t get bumped by the crowd and ensured I could see the screen. To be honest I was more interested in talking to him than watching the match. Brazil ended up winning, and so did I. We were inseparable from that day on.

Inseparable until it all came crashing down and we started arguing, fighting, and four months later it was over. However as we share a fervent magnetism for one another, we were never able to stay apart too long which is why this sick game is/was still going until last night. In retrospect I now realize that I fell into my usual insecurities and without knowing at the time, sabotaging the relationship. I’ve always felt very strongly that I must take care of myself as no one else will, so I’m always very careful not to give too much, to keep barriers up, and keep my cool, independence self in check. It’s the only way I know how to cope, but it’s a double edged sword since it both keeps me feeling safe in my little cocoon, protected by the outside world of hurt and pain, but it also keeps me so shielded from others and to the possibilities of experiencing true and unequivocal love.

A few months back, he and I sat to talk about us, our problems and possible solutions, and this much younger than I man opened my eyes to something I refused to acknowledge until now. He said I’m dishonest, implying that I cheated and lied, and that if I didn’t change I would end up alone for the rest of my life but that he thought it was what I wanted. He said if I really loved him, that I would want to be with him, and only him, and that he wanted to be with me but wasn’t sure he could unless I changed my ways. It was a moment of undeniable awareness and he was right. I did lied, I did cheat, I didn’t put in the effort. I am used to things the way I want it, how I want, when I want it. And unlike the caterpillar which only lives in the Pupa during its period of growth and leaves her cocoon after it has completed its transformation into a butterfly, I never finished growing into a fearless woman able to give and receive love from others and thus still living inside my so-called protective shelter.

I can’t change what I’ve done in the past. I can only recognize my faults, try to work on them and move forward. Last night I tried to explain this viewpoint to him, but changes don’t happen overnight. It’s just all too late. As in all relationships, suffering and pain doesn’t get forgotten only forgiven. Such memories never die, and keeping them at bay for the sake of a new beginning is hard work and takes true dedication and love for two people to move past the disappointments and anguish created in the past. Last night we decided to let each other go. I told him I wish him all the best, that I hope all his wishes come true, and that he lives a life filled with happiness and love. It kills me to think about him being with another woman as I do love him, and always will. But it’s the best for him and he deserves to be with someone who will be true to him and give him all the love he ought to have. They say if you love someone enough you will let them go, and if they come back to you then it’s meant to be. I will forever think fondly of our time together, and I am thankful that even in the midst of all this sorrow, at the very least I’ve learned something really important about myself and am now conscious of the changes I need to make. And if I am lucky enough to meet someone great in the future I will remember all of this and not do it again.

Adios mi amor…